Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Move away

Culture Club - Move Away


Found at bee mp3 search engine


My apologies for the silence.

I'm moving this (and my other) blog to yet another new home.

I sometimes feel like Nora Aunor in the 80s, with her seemingly endless changes in residences. Or am I a busy bee flitting from one blossom to another? Or a social butterfly flying gracefully amongst many cliques and circles?

Whatever. I shall be announcing the new home of my blogs really, really soon.

I hope you, dear reader, join me again in this new journey.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I love u but I don't trust u anymore


I Love U But I Dont Trust U Anymore - Prince


Trust is like a glass window pane, once it is broken, you can mend it in many ways but it will never be the same. I am speaking from experience. In my younger days I have done many things that have broken my parents' trust. I spent the later years trying to make up for these transgressions, knowing too well that while their love for me has remained intact, I will never regain their absolute trust.

Distrust manifests itself in the littlest of ways. Words and statements can take on new meanings under a layer of distrust. These feel like little razor cuts on the skin. A glance, a nonchalant smirk, can easily bruise one's spirit. Everything becomes tainted.

On the other hand, proving one's trustworthiness is like pushing a boulder up a steep hill. It requires a dogged determination, unwavering faith, and mindless courage.

Other people (friends mostly) have betrayed this trust many times in the past. I am generally patient; I can put up with many things, but once this patience runs out, there's no turning back. Forgiveness is like a delicious dish: one can finish eating it all too quickly.

This is why I believe that once trust has been irreparably broken between 2 people, they should just say good-bye and move on to other things (and people). It is completely useless to continue any relationship when there is no trust between the people involved. Trying to trust someone again after being betrayed by that person is extremely difficult, as is trying to prove one's trustworthiness. I don't blame people for giving up doing any of the two.

Now, if only things were indeed this simple and easy.

I'm thinking of scalpels--and cutting with surgical precision. I'm thinking of the bonds between family members, between friends, lovers, and partners. And how complicated it is to sever any of these ties.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The heat is on in Saigon

- - The Heat Is On In Saigon


Found at bee mp3 search engine


On May 27, my friend D celebrated his 42nd birthday by going on a trip to Ho Chi Minh City (otherwise known as Saigon), a place he has never seen before. Having nothing better to do (one of the realities lived by a freelance worker), I tagged along. We planned to make this a photographic tour of the city. This turned out to be an adventure, in many unexpected ways.

First, we almost missed our bus. I waited for almost 10 minutes outside D's house. The bus company had 2 stations, and they're quite far apart from each other. I asked our ride to take us to the main station but D reminded me that when he picked up his sister last year, he did it at the other bus station. So we went to the other station and it was empty. We asked the staff to call the main bus station but we were told that the bus already left. The tuktuk chased the bus for about 5 kilometers before it stopped. This chase was punctuated with frantic phone calls to the driver and conductor--both of whom spoke little English.

I don't pretend to know HCMC like the back of my hand, but I was prepared to show D the sights which are familiar to me. My plan was to spend the next day on foot: walking along Pasteur Street, where we can pass by some of the must-see sights in the city such as Ben Tanh market, the city museum, war museum, Notre Dame cathedral, the Post Office, and the Opera House, among others.


So early the next day, cameras on hand, D and I set out from our hotel. I am posting the photos in my other blog, Ways of Seeing. You can check this link to the photos. In the meantime, let me regale you (or bore you to tears) with the highlights of this interesting trip. I hope my statement that this trip was an adventure didn't cause you, dear reader, to have lofty expectations. The adventures D and I had were not of the swash-buckling kind (swish? I'm not sure) but they were fun--at least to us.

Anyway, enough of the disclaimers. It should also be noted that our walking trip was guided by a 2-year-old map of the city.

D was most impressed by the architecture of many of the houses and buildings in Saigon. He admitted he didn't expect to see buildings that he liked. We walked by Ben Tanh Market, which was a much-cleaner version of the Tuol Tom Pong Market here in Phnom Penh. Top on D's agenda was to see the War Museum, upon the recommendation of his American wife. I wasn't particularly keen on seeing it (being a believer in flower power) but I was just tagging along this trip so I was willing to give way. We had a hell of a time finding it, though. First we ended up in the City Musuem, which was fine and a bit tourist-y, to tell the truth.

Our planned route was to hit the farthest point of Pasteur Street, which would take us to Tan Dinh Cathedral, then we planned to hit the War Musuem before going to the loop that had the Notre Dame Cathedral, Post Office, and the Opera House. But as with most best-laid plans, things didn't happen this way.

Case in point: contrary to the map, the Tan Dinh Cathedral is no longer a cathedral. It has been a market, for how long, we don't know. The biblical connection was too apparent to ignore. From a place of worship to a place of commerce. I can still remember that parable taught to me in catechism. Fortunately, the Notre Dame Cathedral was a delight. I entered a real church again after so many years. We almost heard mass and chatted with the Vietnamese priest. I even gave (and received) a rosary as a gift. The last time this happened to me was more than 15 years ago.


Like I said, the War Museum was a challenge to find using our old map. And when we found it, I found the place grim and grisly (big surprise). There is a clear anti-American bias that permeates the place. This is not misplaced, though. The Vietnam War, up to now, is a controversial and divisive event in history. While it is true that Americans were indeed indiscriminate in cruelty to what-they-perceived as their enemies, I think that the Vietnamese were equally cruel to the Americans as well. I mean, it's war; everybody is cruel in a war. What the museum showed me--more like validated, actually, was that in a war, nobody really wins. Or, even if one side claims victory, this victory is Phyrric, at best.


For some reason, we also missed the City Hall. The map is not entirely to blame here. Though it doesn't appear on the map, it was in the same loop as the Opera House. I completely forgot about it, probably because I was thinking of watching a movie at Diamond Plaza (which we didn't do also).

D and I had dinner at a restaurant facing the Opera House, where the slightly pricey food was just about the same quality as the food in the restaurant in the backpackers' area. We had a good lunch at Jollibee, though. I missed eating there because (1) there's nothing like it in Phnom Penh, and (2) I avoided fast food for the last year. We got back to the hotel a bit rained on, feet tired, but fulfilled nonetheless.

Like true and consummate (read: stereotypical) tourists, D and I spent the next morning at Ben Tanh Market shopping (not much) and packing for the afternoon trip to Phnom Penh. Perhaps inspired by almost-missing the bus coming, we arrived at the bus station an hour early. By Friday evening, D and I were back in our adopted city, our CF cards brimming with photos, our minds relaxed and recharged from the quick holiday, our lives enriched by the whole experience.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Untitled missives 2


II

It seems I've waited for
Far too long that I have
Forgotten what or who
I had been waiting for;
I have distanced myself
From people that now
I can't figure out how
To behave in this circle;
Seems I have unlearned
All the nuances that made
Me so attractive before--
All I have now, aside from
This quick wit, are my
Sharp tongue and insecure
Heart beating furiously
Inside my hollow chest
(not very charming).

Waiting seemed the best
Option then; wish I can say
The same thing now, what
With you hovering like
A fat clump of storm-cloud
In my used-to-be-barren sky;
No one has brought me
This much apprehension,
Euphoria and paranoia
In so long a time--my mind
Runs off like a fugitive
Every time I am beheld by
Your gaze, and I have no
Choice but to yield to this
Force, so like gravity.

My feelings swirl until
They're undecipherable,
Like hieroglyphs or some
Other form of communication
Alien to my comprehension;
It seems that I have almost
Forgotten what or who I
Had been waiting for--
When I finally remember,
I hope that it isn't too late.


Manila 1998; edited Phnom Penh 2009

Friday, June 5, 2009

Untitled missives


I

Waking up from a dream
Of walking with our hands
Clasped and kissing you
On a deserted street,
My eyes squint against
The bright rays of morning,
Wondering for a moment
What could I be doing
Thinking that I've fallen
In love once again.
There are no answers
To my questions, no promises
To assuage my heart, and no
Prayers to pacify my soul;
Except for, perhaps, your
Lingering presence
In my life right now.

Yet even this seems unreal.
When I'm with you I feel
As if underwater, disembodied,
Between living and a gentle
Kind of dying, swimming
In the waves of you being you.
Like an eagle I can soar
To unimaginable heights:
Ecstatic, before plunging into
Depths where no shaft of light
Ventures, the darkness almost
Naturally permanent.
My feelings are strong, there's
No sense denying, and all
I have to do is to fashion it
In a way that won't make me
Lose sight of what is important
Than what our future can be:

Together, or not.


Manila, 1998; edited Phnom Penh 2009